A Brief History of the British Empire

Orkgrrrl and I were talking about Regency House Party today when we realized that we had only the foggiest notion of when the Regency period actually occurred. We decided to pool our considerable knowledge of the subject of English History (gained through the watching of countless PBS documentaries and dramatizations) to create this brief guide for the perplexed.

Beowulf: Beowulf was the first English king of any note. He was a great monster hunter, a trick later copied to great effect by St. George, who wasn't a king.

King Lear: Lear is commonly believed to have been the second king of England, but scholars and educated folk know that, like most Shakespearian kings, he was actually king of Scotland. He is included here for completeness. Was killed by Macbeth.

King Arthur: After Beowulf died, no one could decide who should be king, so they had to wait around for 10 years until Beowulf's second cousin, Arthur, pulled the sword from the stone and went on to rule England. King Arthur had two sons, Richard and John.

King Richard the Lionhearted: Popularly believed to have invented the Crusades, Richard actually stole the idea from a hermit named Geoffrey Chaucer. Richard's surly brother, John, ruled the realm while Richard was away fighting five Crusades, but eventually Richard came back, fired John, and gave his job to Robin Hood. King Richard had seven sons, all named Henry, who ruled the realm, each in turn, for the next century or so. None of them did anything much, except for Henry V (no one knows what the V stands for), who was a famous Shakespearian actor.

Henry the Eighth: Had eight wives, all of whom he beheaded. Died poorly.

Queen Mary:Being out of kings, England was forced to resort to the crowning of queens. Mary's short reign is noted for the invention of the cocktail.

Queen Elizabeth: QE is famous for renaming the kingdom as an Empire.

At this point, England had no kings or queens left, and so was forced to import one from Germany, which had a surplus. This ended poorly when King George III went mad and gave America away to the Americans.

Reggie: Reggie, who gave his name to the Regency, wasn't a king, but rather a Regent. He was later replaced by his Butler, Edmund Blackadder, who went on to be one of the greatest monarchs England ever had. During this time, Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford, wrote novels under the nom de plume of "Georgette Heyer," hence the famous "Regency romances" that were so popular.

Queen Victoria: Changed her name to Victoria because she was born in the Victorian age.

Edward: King known best for guest appearance on Upstairs Downstairs. Ruled until WWII.

Winston Churchill: Churchill took the reins of power in order to guide the nation through WWII. He wasn't, strictly speaking, a king, which is why this period is sometimes called the Interregnum.

Elizabeth II: Best known for inventing the pound note, which bears her likeness to this day.